Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts

Saturday, April 20, 2013

A big ole' dose of mom guilt...or two

We arrive at the soccer field and Kayla runs off to her coach. She's sitting out the first few minutes since there are so many players and everyone needs to get a turn. I try to keep Kinsley in the stroller for as long as possible. I sit Kyleigh on the grass and turn on blue's clues for her. Kinsley eats some grapes. And then she's done. She wants out. So I let her out and put Kyleigh in the stroller. She's still content watching her show. Kinsley runs. Onto soccer fields. Away from me. Looking back, laughing. She thinks it's a game. 

I don't know how many times I chased her around but I do know it lasted for about 15 minutes. And finally she lets me hold her for a second. That's when I look at the game and see Kayla is playing. The coach is saying, "good job Kayla" and another mom is saying, "Kayla go stand over there honey." And that's when the mom guilt hits me. Someone else's mom is helping her. The coach is cheering her on and here I am...I didn't even know she was playing. I was there, yes but I didn't get a chance to even look at her. I wonder how many times she glanced at me hoping I saw her?

Then I look up and see a familiar face, one I am so glad to see. Anthony left work and came to the game. We talk for a few seconds. Kinsley is crying to get down, Kyleigh is saying she wants to go home. So I decide to leave with them. As we walk to the car I see another game going on. One with teenagers. There are no small children on the sidelines. Just parents sitting quietly in their chairs. Watching their children play. And I think, "I wish that was me. I can't wait for the day when the girls are older and I can do that. I can actually sit there and watch Kayla play. I can be present for her. It's not fair to her that I'm missing her games." And then a whole new guilt hits me because now I'm wishing these precious years away. 

Kayla has asked me to do so many things. To be the room mom at school. To eat lunch with her, which I have twice but she's asked me to do it again. And I can't be the room mom although I so wish I could. And eating lunch with her is more like me chasing Kinsley around so I don't do it. All I can think is when Kinsley is in kindergarten I can be the room mom. But then will Kyleigh and Kayla be upset I wasn't the room mom for them? I can go eat lunch with Kinsley and Kyleigh. But will Kayla even want her mom to eat lunch with her then?

I just want to be able to do everything for these three girls. And I can't. And it leaves me with some major mom guilt. Does the guilt ever end?? I think I already know the answer.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

preparing her for the world

I recently read a blog post about how parents shelter their kids too much these days. After the Connecticut shooting happened I was scared. I still am scared. Everyday there seems to be some kid who brings a gun to school. And then yesterday I heard about a preschool in California where 4 and 5 year olds were performing oral sex on each other. During nap time. On the playground. And it wasn't just one incident. It happened regularly.

I'm scared of this world I brought my girls into. Scared of what may happen just by sending Kayla to school. Scared of not always being able to protect them. But what I am most scared of is not preparing them for this cruel world they will enter alone one day. Not teaching them life skills they will need. Not preparing them enough. How do we do that anyway?

Since Kayla has been in kindergarten there are a lot of things we've had to talk about. Like how just because you know someone doesn't really mean you know them. A lot of the conversations we've had are hard. Hard because I don't want to scare her. I don't want her to know how messed up this world is and I don't want her to live in fear that something bad may happen. But because she's not with me for 25 hours a week I need to tell her. But how do I explain kidnappers? 

Her school talked about gun safety the other week. And I'm sad to say even though she is 6 I never had a conversation with her. Where would she find a gun anyway? She's always with me I thought. But now she's not. I've mentioned causally here and there about private areas. But I wonder if it's enough? Should I talk more about it? And then a huge part of me wonders if she feels comfortable telling me anything, no matter what it is. I periodically tell her she can always tell me anything without getting in trouble but is that enough? 

Now this post has just turned into a big ole mess of, that girl Megan...yeah, she worries way too much. She's over thinking everything. And while that may be true, it's not like I sit here and think of all the bad things that could but probably won't happen all the time. But I do worry about whether or not I have or will prepare them enough.

I guess all I can do is my best and hope and pray that's enough.

What are some things you've done to prepare your child or some things you plan on doing? Is anyone else as scared as I am for our children and the future of this world? Can't we just buy a big ole' bubble and keep them there....forever??

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

if she were an only child..

I grew up an only child. And while I do have a half brother and half sister I really do feel like an only child considering they weren't in my life much. People ask me all the time if I was lonely or if I wish I had siblings. And my answer is no. I don't know what it's like to not be an only child. A lot of people have also said that only children usually have more than one child and people who had siblings usually only have one. I can't speak for everyone else but I did have 3 girls. So at least for me that statement is true.

Sometimes a lot of the time I feel bad. And sometimes when I see pictures someone posted who only has one child, whether the child is 1, 2 or 6 years old, I get a little jealous. Jealous that they get to do all that stuff with their one and only child and enjoy just them and that child gets to enjoy all that one on one attention and I don't....and my girls hardly rarely get one on one time with me.

See if Kayla was an only child we could go bowling. We could go play putt-putt. We could play more board games. I could read to her more. I could spend more time on her homework with her. I could go to every single school thing that happened during the day. I could go eat lunch with her at school.

And if Kyleigh was an only child we could go to monkey joe's during the day. We could go to the library more. We could go to the park more. We could color and paint more.

And if Kinsley was an only child I could actually play with her at the park instead of making her sit in a stroller because I'm chasing two older girls around. We could go on more walks because there wouldn't be a 2 year old who would want to try to ride her bike. I could sit on the floor and play with her more. I could have rocked her to sleep instead of just having to put her in the crib (she goes to sleep on her own, always has...I think because she really had no other choice but to.)

And if you only have one child this may not make sense to you. It may not even make sense if you have more than one kid but I hope that it does. I hope I'm not alone in feeling this way. And it's not that I wish I didn't have three girls. It's just that I feel bad about not giving them each the undivided attention they all so deserve. And when I feel this way I try to tell myself this..

If Kayla were an only child there is no way I'd be able to go to school things because I wouldn't be a stay at home mom. If Kyleigh were an only child she wouldn't be her. She would be different. And if Kinsley were an only child she wouldn't have two older sisters looking out for her, loving her, playing with her.

But it's still hard not being able to give them all the attention I want to give them. I try but sometimes it's just impossible. The evenings are the worse. I'm trying to do Kayla's homework with her, trying to cook dinner, trying to give Kyleigh and Kinsley attention because they both want it. And those are the moments that I realize even after 14 1/2 months sometimes I still don't have this mom of 3 thing down.

Does anyone ever really??

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

there's a new baby in town

no one tells you what it will really be like to be the mother to three or even two kids. what i always heard is, "oh going from one to two is nothing" yeah freaking right! i remember when we brought kyleigh home. that first day, actually that whole first week was hard. the first day we brought her home kayla wasn't listening. she had a balloon and she lost the balloon. daddy took it. she cried. and i wrapped my arm around her holding kyleigh in my other arm and cried with her. and that first day daddy went back to work? even worse. i remember crying on the couch, holding kyleigh, calling my husband. kayla was throwing every single toy possible at us and i thought, "what the hell did we do to her? we ruined her life." almost three years later and i know that's not true. but that's not to say that i don't feel bad for kayla at times.

she's had to sacrifice sometimes just because she was the oldest and kyleigh didn't know better. kyleigh was the baby so kyleigh got her way. but now it's kyleigh's turn to sacrifice. she is getting older and she isn't the baby anymore.

there's a new baby in town and she always gets her way.

kinsley is a hair puller. a "i'll push you down and jump on top of you to get your food" kinda baby. a "oh you're sleeping on the couch kyleigh? well, i'm going to come hit you and laugh hysterically" kinda baby. don't get me wrong. kinsley is a sweet baby. she loves her sisters but she also loves her food...and hair pulling. and what people really don't tell you, and what i've never even heard people talk about is how hard it will be to "punish" a 14 month old. how do you say no with a straight face when she looks at you like that??

she laughs that baby laugh. and gives that sweet smile. you know, the one with the head tilt and little dimple that suddenly appears. and soon i just become a big ole softy. and as much as i tell her no it means nothing. because i can't help but laugh with her. she's just too damn cute.

so tell me...if you have a little one how do you tell them no and mean it? how do you not laugh? or does kinsley just have me wrapped around her finger too much? please tell me i'm not alone! haha.

Monday, December 31, 2012

one word.

I've learned a lot of things about myself this year. Finally at almost *gasp* 27 I have finally figured out what is truly important to me, what I like and who I am. And I have settled into my real self.

1. I'm a mother. A mother who wants to stay home. Who will do whatever it takes to be home with my babies. To raise them. To be the one to greet them off the bus for as many years as I can.

2. Photography and crafting are my passions. The photography one I've known but crafting? Making things myself? Oh, it gives me great joy.

3. I am a lover of all things vintage. ALL THINGS.

4. I may not be a morning person but there is something about being the first one up in the morning that I love. The lights off. The sun shining through the curtains. The stillness.

5. I still need my mom.

6. There is nothing and I do mean nothing that can't wait 5 minutes while you stop to play with your children.

7. My husband has been saying it for years. I've learned life is short. Too short. I will no longer go to bed mad. I will never let someone leave without saying I'm sorry or I love you.

8. I've learned the most precious gift I can give my girls is my time. Time to play with them. Time to read to them. Time to listen to them. This precious time that I have with them while they still want me around goes by too quickly and I can never get it back.

9. I need my friends.

10. I've learned to apologize. (Yes it took 26 and a half years)

11. Family is the most important thing. Family is everything.

12. I still believe Christmas is magical. And that birthdays are to be celebrated, no matter how old you are.

I have never felt more content than I do right now. I know who I am and my strengths and weaknesses. I know what I want to change and what I want to stay the same. I'm not afraid to shout it from the rooftops. I am happy. I am content. But I would like to be a little more happy. A little more content and I plan on being just that in 2013.

I've never been one for resolutions, well not in the last few years anyway. I'd always make them but never keep them. I would feel disappointed in myself so I stopped. This year I am doing something different. Something I've seen other people do. Choosing a word for the next year. I could never think of just one word but this year I have one.

Gratitude; the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful.

As I walked in target with my mom I found myself saying, "I want" a lot. A lot more than I'd like to admit. I stopped myself. I really don't need these things. I have more than enough. So in 2013 I want to be thankful. I want to feel grateful all the time. And I think if I can do that then, and only then, will I be 100% content and happy.

Happy New Year! I hope this year for you is filled with joy. And if you could choose just one word for 2013 what would it be?

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Be kind with my girl.

Oh, I'm mad. And hurt. And a million other things. And I honestly don't even know where to begin. I once read that if you don't know where to start just write, "this is what I want to say..." and begin. So here I go,

What I want to say is this:

I have spent the last six years building Kayla's self esteem (and Kyleigh's and Kinsley's.) As a woman in this world I know how hard it is. I know the magazines tell us we need to be thin and pretty and put together and have amazing outfits and look sexy but not be slutty. I know kids can be cruel. I was prepared for the teasing. But I wasn't prepared what to say to her because I thought I  had many many more years ahead of me.

So when my beautiful six year old girl got off the bus crying I was worried. I thought she was hurt. And she was, but not in the way I imagined. She had been told she wasn't pretty. That this girl Michelle* was prettier than her. That Matthew* liked her. And Robert*. And Nicholas * And that not one of them liked her. Michelle was pretty and she was ugly. And if I'm to be honest what I wanted to do at that moment was rush home. Rummage through all my papers and find each one of those parents phone numbers. I wanted to yell at them. Tell them they were horrible parents for teaching their kids not to be nice. That they should be teaching them that there are more important things than boyfriends and girlfriends and asking what kind of parents are they anyway.

And when I picked her up and her boot strap was torn off her boot because someone stepped on her foot so hard. SO hard that she was limping I wanted to find that kid. I wanted to yell at the teacher, asking where the hell was she and I wanted to know how the hell a kid stepped on her foot so hard that the strap tore off her boot.

I miss preschool.

I know I can't prevent what other kids will do but I can prevent mine from doing somethings. I can teach them how to be kind and considerate and caring. And if you're a parent of a child, especially one who goes to a Chesterfield county public school who may end up going to school with one of my girls I ask that you teach them this..

We may look different on the outside but we are all the same on the inside. We all want to be loved and have friends. And we all want people to be nice to us. Please do not make fun of someone because they are different. Or because they have some of the same hidden insecurities you have. If you see someone making fun of another person please stand up for them. Please be kind. Please be the kind of friend you want. Never bully another person. And please don't call someone ugly. Everyone is beautiful.

And to everyone that will ever meet my Kayla please be kind. I know she looks tough. I know she seems care free but she's really not. She's sweet and she takes everything to heart. She remembers what everyone says to her. She is self-conscious and doesn't want to be made fun of. She doesn't want people to laugh at her. She wants to be loved and she wants to love you in return. So please be kind with my girl.

*names have been changed

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

my last baby

Just because I'm feeling a little sentimental about my last baby...

That's what I see all day long when I look down. That's why the house is a mess. How could I not pick her up?

People are always asking if we're going to have another baby. And honestly? I ask Anthony that question at least once a week. Because everything that has to do with a newborn? I love. Deeply. I was meant to be a mother to a newborn. And honestly? I would love another baby in this house. I want nothing more than to hold my own sweet newborn in my arms. Their chest slowly moving up and down as they sleep. The wind blowing their newborn scent all around me. Their tiny skinny little fingers wrapped around mine. The humming sound that comes from them while eating.

But honestly? We probably can't afford another baby. We thought having Kinsley wouldn't be too much of a change in our financial situation. Boy Girl we're we wrong. But we make by and we definitely wouldn't change our little surprise baby. So with each milestone she hits it's bittersweet. There are lots of smiles had and just as many tears cried by this mama. But you all already knew that.

I love that little girl.

And here are a few things I don't want to forget.

Her hair. That little dimple she has. The way her eyes almost disappear when she smiles. And the smell of her head after a bath. Her fat chubby feet and her chunky thighs. Her cheeks and the way I can tell she is smiling even if she isn't facing me. Her laugh. And her little sounds. The fact that she isn't walking yet and is taking her time to grow up (even though I wish it went by slower.) The way she smiles at everyone she meets and the way she only wants me if she's hurt. The fact that she now follows her daddy around and looks at him when he gets home. The way her eyes don't move off of him until he picks her up. The way she bounces up and down with her arms in the air letting you know she wants to be held. The fact that she is always kicking her feet, even when you lay her down to go to sleep. And I love the way she covers her mouth when she laughs. The way her hands go up to her head. And the way she puts her hand up to her forehead, tilts her head and gives me a shy little smile. I die every time.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Never say never.

One of the things I've learned being a mother is never say never. Before I was a mom I admit I would say to myself or other people that I would never do what so and so's mother did. I won't take my kid to a restaurant, although I won't take them to one if they don't have a kids menu. I won't yell at my kid at the store. And my kid won't have a bottle after they turn one. Little did I know that the first day I try to take Kayla's bottle away when she's one she screamed. The. Whole. Day. She was attached. And now I'm NOT ashamed to say that yes, she had her bottle until she was 2 years old. She only got it before nap and bedtime and it was the only way she would drink milk. Kyleigh had hers until 15 months and Kinsley, well she just turned one and I don't see me taking it away any time soon. Hey now, don't judge me. Us moms need to stick together. :)

And every year as my girls get older, or more like as Kayla gets older, I find myself doing more things I said I would never do. Like encourage my 5 year old's love for Justin Bieber. Or tell my dad to go ahead and buy those Monster High barbie dolls for her 6th birthday. And when someone tells me that Barnes and Noble is having a contest to meet The Biebs...yeah, I went. I entered to win it. Because hey, the look on her face if we won would totally be worth flying to Miami and hearing a thousand teenage girls scream in my ear. And when I saw Justin Bieber wrapping paper at target yesterday I didn't hesitate to buy it. I was actually excited, because I know Kayla will love it. And when I saw a youtube tutorial on how to  make Monster High cupcakes I watched it. Over and over. I went out and bought exactly what they had in the video. Because again. I know she'll love it. And isn't that what being a mother is all about? Doing things because your kids love it? And sometimes your kids love something so much that they make you fall a little bit in love with it too.

***by the way. I took Kinsley to her one year check up. She is 22 pounds 1 ounce (75%) and 28 inches long. (50%) She had to get 3 shots AND blood work! Not fun. At a year old they use to just prick your finger to get blood. Whatever happened to that? Now I gotta hold my healthy girl down while she screams so a nurse can find a vein and the new nurse drops her label in the trash so while she looks for it Kinsley is just screaming because there is still a needle in her arm and the new nurse doesn't know what tubes to use so she has to constantly ask which one which makes it take longer? Yeah I know everyone needs practice on babies but next time let's not practice on mine, mmmk? Thanks.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Not on top of the mommy world.

Do you all remember this post? Where I said I felt like I was on top of the mommy world? Well, that feeling has slowly been going away and it finally disappeared this morning.

I kept trying to get Kayla to get ready but she was going way too slow taking her time. I would tell her to get dressed. Brush her teeth. Get shoes and socks. Eat her cereal. And she did none of the above. So I had to yell. I yelled at her to get dressed because we were going to be late now. I yelled at her to get her shoes and socks for the 6th time. And then I yelled at her because when I finally went to brush her hair there was stuff in it. I don't even know what but the only way to fix it was to wash her hair. It was now 8:41 and we have to be walking out of the door in 4 minutes. So I put it in a pony tail trying to get all the knotted pieces underneath and not showing. And we walked out of the door at 8:46. And as I buckled Kyleigh in the car Kayla started singing and Kinsley's feet started kicking because she was strapped in and that was the only way for her to dance. And I couldn't help but smile. As I closed the door I took a deep breath and said Monday will be better.

Moving on.

This girl? 

Yeah, she turns the big one tomorrow. And I'm so not ready. Not at all. I might have cried enough tears to fill a bath tub...maybe. So off I go to make her cake and try to clean the house. (Which by the way is extremely hard to do with a 2 year old and 11 month old running/crawling around.)

I'll be back tomorrow morning for the big birthday post!

Monday, October 15, 2012

A few short years.

"Your children love you, they want to play with you. How long do you think that lasts...? We have a few special years with our children, when they're the ones that want us around. After that you're going to be running after them for a bit of attention. It's so fast. It's a few years, and it's over." I never thought I would use a quote from Captain Hook, but I just did. We watched it yesterday and that quote kinda hit home for me.

I often find myself telling the girls wait. Wait a minute while I clean and then I'll read that book. Wait a minute and I'll get you another cup of juice. We'll go to the park later or even worse? Tomorrow. Wait while I do what's more important to me at the moment than you, my sweet girl. I actually don't think what I'm doing is more important, but I'm sure that's how it seems to them. Because later and tomorrow never come.

Before I know it those minutes waiting turn into hours which turn into days. And amidst all this waiting my girls are growing up. Yeah, that stings a little bit. Because I can't get that time back.

Those last two pictures of Kyleigh? Yeah, they pretty much sums up who she is.

And then the guilt sets in. The guilt of feeling like I'm not playing enough with them. Of cleaning too much. Of not taking them outside enough. Oh, and when I finally go do something it's when Kayla is in school. So a whole new guilt over takes me. A guilt that literally leaves an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I've been feeling this guilt a lot lately. She's sees pictures of us out and she's not in them. And she knows she didn't go. And she asks me where I went; why she wasn't there. And then tells me in the sweetest, most quietest voice, "mommy, can we go to the park when I don't have school?" Yes beautiful girl. Yes we can. 

So I'm going to let go of that guilt of I really need to clean but they want me to play. I'm going to make the most of these few years. From now on I'm going to spend more of my time with my girls. At the park. Outside. On the floor playing. I'll be anywhere that they are. Before they get older and they don't want me around. So if you come over to my house please forgive the mess. The toys on the floor. The pile of laundry on my kitchen table. The bathroom that needs a second coat of paint. The dishes that need to be done and the crumbs on the floor. Because I've busy playing with my girls. And all that other stuff? Well, it'll be there waiting for me when my girls don't want me around as much.

**And a few more pictures from Saturday night because I couldn't decide which ones to use.

Friday, September 21, 2012


After I hit publish on yesterday's post and posted the link to my facebook I frantically kept checking it. Making sure people "liked" the link. And that no one had anything negative to say. I was afraid people would judge me. And then I started reading some other blogs...and came across atleast 3 different people who posted something very similar to me this week. We all were basically saying the same thing:

Motherhood is hard.

I'm not sure why I'm so afraid to admit that. Actually, I know exactly why I don't want to admit it. I'm afraid if I "complain" about being a mother I'll be seen as someone who doesn't love her kids. Or that I don't enjoy them. Or I'm afraid I'll be seen as a failure. And then I remember alllll those naive things I thought before I was a mother like how I'll never yell at my kids. Or when I would see a screaming child at the store I would think, "what is she doing wrong as a parent? my child will never act like that." Oh how much I've learned in almost 6 years.

I've learned that being 100% responsible for how another human being (or 3) turns out is a lot of work. And a lot of pressure.

That patience doesn't come automatically. It's something you have to learn. You have to work hard at it. And then you learn some more.

That you don't gain this wisdom of being a mother the minute your baby is put in your arms, but you do have mother's instinct and usually that is enough to get you by.

That sometimes the best thing you can do for your children is tell them no. That being their friend or their favorite person in the world isn't important. Protecting them is.

But I've also learned that a mother's heart aches in a way that you can't describe when your child is hurt. Or sick. Or made fun of.

That a baby's finger wrapped around yours is the greatest feeling. And a smile from your child can take away any worry or hurt at that moment.

That there is nothing that feels more joyous than watching your child sleep at night.

That even though motherhood is hard the rewards out-weigh it all. Those moments when you are dancing in the kitchen with your girls and you all are laughing so hard...that's when you stop and you know. You know why you are doing this. You know that you are doing a great job at being their mama and there isn't a single person that could do it better than you. Those are the moments you remember. And they make you forget that moment earlier when you were trying to leave the doctors office and everyone is screaming...and some young naive girl stares at you thinking, "what is she doing wrong as a parent? my child will never act like that."

You can't have happiness without sadness. And you can't have moments that knock you off your feet and take your breath away without a few unsightly ones.

By the way, I got that much needed shower last night. I deserved it just as much as my girls deserve a happy mama.

Hope you all enjoy your weekend and have moments that knock you off your feet and take your breath away.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

i just need a shower.

if you were my therapist and i knew that everything i said, right here and now, wouldn't leave the room i would sit down all properly lay down on your nice comfy couch with my shoes still on and say this...

i need a nap and an extra 5 hours in the day. i also need a shower. like as of yesterday. and my hair needs to be cut, and i've only come to this conclusion because pieces of my  hair are falling out and ending up everywhere. and i probably should clean the dirt out from under my nails. i don't even know where that dirt came from? too much? yeah, probably. but it's the truth.

whenever i talk to people or even when i write i always list some of the bad things of this mama of three life but i always follow it up with a, "but it's great. it's wonderful. it's not that bad." and it's not that bad. but it has its moments. i haven't showered since...well, i honestly don't even remember. and i'm not sure if i don't remember because it's been so long OR if i don't remember because i'm so tired i just can't think straight. either way. i need a shower, dammit. and 5 minutes to myself. actually make that an hour, but i'll take 5 minutes.

don't get me wrong. i love my girls like something crazy. and i almost love every minute i spend with them. and the minutes i don't love? it's because i'm yelling or someone isn't sharing...or listening or they are throwing toys or...the list goes on. i'm not super mom, as much as i'd like others to think i am. i'm just like anyone else who has a job, or who doesn't. i need a break. just a small one.

i do laundry everyday but yet i'm still three loads behind. there are laundry baskets filled with clean clothes that need to be put away. the dishes are done atleast twice a day and every thought i think i gotta think it three times. there are tiny pieces of goldfish smashed into my carpet and juice stains for days. i always need to go to the store for something. trying to talk on the phone is impossible and trying to shower? yeah, forgetaboutit. i just need that damn shower.

but besides all of that, being a mama to these three beautiful, precious girls really is the single greatest thing i will ever do with my life. seriously. the days may be rough but the nights? they are peaceful. filled with sleeping girls and a sleeping baby (most of the time) who i can hear deeply breathing next to me. 

and then there are those moments throughout the day where i get a glimpse of heaven on earth. where i  look at one of my girls and i really see them for the first time that day. where time stands still and i make a mental note to remember this moment because in a blink of an eye it's gone. those are the things i think about while doing all those dishes and folding the mounds of laundry on my kitchen table. and somewhere along those thoughts are usually, dammit i just want a shower.

but i wouldn't trade this life i've made for myself. even if it may mean i might stink a little. sorry babe. ;)

Thursday, August 9, 2012

A little honesty.

It's so easy to be frustrated that I can't eat my dinner hot. That when the baby is crying and a child is crying mommy to just want to scream. To wonder why I had them so close in age. When Kayla and Kyleigh fight like cats and dogs I just want to cry. I wonder if they'll hate each other when they are older. And I pray they'll love one another and be best friends.

Sometimes the days are long and it seems my husband will never be home from work. And when he gets home it's easy to pass the responsibly onto him for a moment. And to just walk away. And more times than I'd like to admit I wish I had more "me" time. I wish my husband and I had more than 2 dates in 4 years. I wish I had more one on one time with each of my girls.

Then I start to question myself. And I start to wonder if I'm really doing my best. If I'm being the best mama I can be. And I start to wonder if my girls wish I played with them more. Read to them more. And listened to them more. And I tell my husband and mom that I know I was a better mom when I only had Kayla. I had more patience. I didn't yell as much. I played more. And they both at the same time interrupt me and tell me I'm wrong. They tell me I'm a better mom than I've ever been. My husband tells me that I think of little things that no one else would. That I remember little things that no one else can. That I can tell you the exact dose of every single children's medicine for each one of my girls at any given time. And my mom says that I love better than I ever have. That I'm more present than I was back then.

And then Kayla brings home a picture she made. It's me and her. Playing. And we're both smiling in the picture. And she tells me it's us and we're having fun. She tells me she loves me. And Kyleigh hugs me for no reason. And she usually wants her daddy but now she wants me. And Kinsley gives me that smile. And she speaks to me with her eyes. And they are all telling me in their own way that I'm doing my best. That they love me. That there is no other mom they would rather have.

Sometimes they need reassurance, and just like them...sometimes so do I.


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