Showing posts with label Kayla. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kayla. Show all posts

Thursday, March 13, 2014

letters to my daughters | kayla

To be nobody but yourself
in a world which is doing its best night and day,
to make you everybody else 
means to fight the hardest battle 
which any human being can fight;
and never stop fighting.

-ee cummings

my first baby,

the other day was a sad day for me. it was wacky wednesday. i picked out some clothes for you to wear. they were mis-matched and colorful. but you turned them down. you didn't want to dress wacky. and when i asked you why you told me, "because not everyone will be wacky." i then proceeded to tell you to go get dressed in whatever you wanted. but i wish i would've told you this....

what makes this world beautiful is it's differences. it's imperfections. those are the things that also make us beautiful. yes, you. you my dear are beautiful. our quirks, our personalities, our flaws. it's what makes the world go round. beauty is in our honesty, in our laughter, in our openness and our mistakes. and beauty is in our hearts. imperfections and all. not in what we wear. or what length your hair is.

as your mother i have always known your heart. you may appear wild and crazy, carefree, sure of yourself and there have been times in your life when you were those things. but i've watched you change. i've watched you grow. you are still a little wild but only while at home where you are comfortable and sure of our love for you. you care what others think of you. and i wish that you didn't. i wish you could see yourself the way the world sees you. the way i see you. 


i hope that as you discover yourself that you don't let others thoughts of what is beautiful define yours. i hope you learn to embrace your quirks and flaws. your imperfections. and the imperfections of others. i hope your heart stays kind and it remains open. for you always look to see the good in others. your heart is like the sun and it shines when you enter a room. i see your heart in your carefully colored pictures for your teacher. i hear it in your voice when you talk to your sisters. and i feel it in your touch when you give me a hug.  you are as beautiful in as you are out. and i hope you know that.

don't let this sometimes cold world change your heart. for it is more beautiful than i could have ever dreamed.

love you always,

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Dear mom of an ADHD child

Dear mom of an ADHD child,

I know you are tired. You are worn out. Your house is always in chaos and never clean. There is yelling and fighting between siblings. There have been toys thrown and tears cried. Toothpaste has been spread all over the mirror and homework is a constant battle.

You have called your husband crying. Not knowing if you can take anymore. You've wondered if she would have been better off being an only child, thinking if only she were I could give her the attention she wants. You have yelled more than you like to admit. And you've said things you wish you could take back.

You've made hard choices. Change the families diet? Therapy? Medicine? Maybe you've made all of those choices at different times. Whatever choice you make you are never sure if it's the right one.

To the mom who doesn't give medicine. I know everyday is a struggle. Sometimes you can't wait for bedtime. You are exhausted and tired of yelling. You are doing the best you can when sometimes you don't feel like you are. You change your child's diet and take your child to therapy. You just wish something would "click." You deal with people telling you, "just give your child a pill." You are tired of explaining your choice.

To the mom who does mediciate. I know everyday is a struggle. Sometimes you can't wait for bedtime. Your child has good days but sometimes they have bad ones. You are exhausted and tired of yelling. You are doing the best you can when sometimes you don't feel like you are.You deal with people telling you that you are drugging your child. They question how you could do such a thing. They question the type of doctor you bring your child to being sure that doctors "these days just hand out pills." You've done your research. You tried everything else before this. You've been to multiple doctors. But what they don't understand is this. They didn't see the difference the moment your child took the right medicine for them. They didn't see your child being able to focus and listen to everything that is said to them. They didn't see the notes sent home from teachers who said they noticed the huge difference and that things are just clicking for them now. They didn't see how happy that made your heart and what a huge difference it has done for your child more than anything.

I've been both moms. The one who doesn't medicate and the one who does. Neither of them are easy choices. You both question if you're doing the right thing every single day. And whatever choice you make you make it every day. But only you know what's best for your child. And only you can decide. Not your family. Or friends. And that's something you need to let go. You need to stop letting it bother you. I know it's hard but please do it. Because we all know you are doing what you think is best for your child. And that's all that matters.

I wrote this letter for me. But I wrote it for you too. And I hope you re-read it when you need to.

A mom of an ADHD child

Friday, October 11, 2013

the day of the girl

Dear Daughters,

My three, beautiful, smart daughters. Today is celebrate the day of the girl. And I am so blessed to be able to celebrate this day, times three.

I've written a lot of letters in the past to each of you. They usually talk about what I hope you learn and the future but today? The day of the girl. I'm going to talk about the present.

Sometimes you all fight, yell and even push each other. Sometimes you all want to be alone and not be bothered by your sisters. And I think I must be doing something wrong. I fear you all will hate each other when you're older. But then I catch moments like these...

Sisters snuggled on the floor, sleeping soundly.

The look in your eyes, Kyleigh, when you look at Kayla. They turn into little crescent moons and sparkle.

You all wrapping your arms around each other when I want to take a picture. Or Kinsley leaning into your big sister.

Kinsley pretending to suck her thumb like Kyleigh. She holds her thumb in her mouth just because her sister is.

I hear your giggles. And see you all playing. The oldest leading. The younger two following along because they all want to be like their big sister. And then sometimes, when I'm really lucky, I get a glimpse into how strong each of your bonds are with me.

I feel it in the way Kinsley hugs me. And in the way Kyleigh and I laugh. And in the way Kayla's face lights up like she's seeing some secret magical thing when I tell her how proud I am of her.

And in these moments I realize I must of done something right. This right here is better than what I ever dreamed of.

You are all so beautiful in your own way. You each have your own unique talents. Some very much developed, other talents are still developing. Kayla, you are a remarkable artist, a perfectionist and so determined in everything you do. Kyleigh, you are witty and clever and our free-spirited child. And Kinsley, you are vigilant and loving and so much more that we haven't discovered yet. You each complete our little family but one thing is the same about each one of you. I love you three with every ounce of my being and I want better than the best for you.

So today, on the day of the girl, I celebrate each of you because you all are very special. Just the way you are. I've loved you since the minute you were born, and even before that. And I will continue to love you, just the way you are and just the way you become.

I love you,

"From here to the moon and back, who else in this world would love you like that?"

Sunday, September 22, 2013

our decision regarding adhd

Our choice to put Kayla on medicine for adhd wasn't an easy one. It was hard. It's still hard. A lot of days I still have this battle going on in my head about whether it's the right choice or not. But deep down I know it's the right choice. The right choice for us.

2 years ago I walked out of a psychiatrists office with a prescription in my hand. We had only spent a total of 30 minutes talking to that man. I felt a little uneasy, which is kinda funny because all that I wanted up until that point was to get her on medicine. To get her something that would help her. But now that I had a prescription for adderall I wasn't so sure I wanted to give it to her. I researched the pros and cons. The side effects. And finally after some debating I decided to give it to her. I could at least try it for a few weeks and see if it made a difference and if I decided to stop giving it to her, well, it would be out of her system the next day and as if she never even took it. 

So she took it. And she was focused and determined. I remember giving it to her that first Saturday when she had a soccer game. Her eyes were focused on the ball and she was determined to get as many goals as she could. She listened to us. We never had to repeat anything to her unlike before when we would repeat ourselves all day long. She's always been into art so she did art as much as she could. She would color and cut and paste and color and cut and paste all day long, even in the car. I later learned that they have a name for that, which I can't remember at the moment. All of these things were what I considered good side effects. But there were some bad ones.

On adderall Kayla wouldn't eat. We would have to force her to eat. And everyday at 3 pm she would become extremely emotional. She would spend most of her time from 3 pm until bedtime crying, like hysterically crying. And when we went back to her psychiatrist he suggested upping her dose or giving her a second dose in the afternoon. But I wasn't comfortable with that. So I dealt with it, figuring that's how it was suppose to be. We never made it back to a third appointment with that doctor. His schedule was so tight and I was tired of the back and forth phone calls of trying to get us in to see him that I decided to stop going. And I never went back to get another prescription which was probably the best thing that ever happened.

I decided we could do this on our own. Kayla was starting kindergarten. She would be gone most of the day so our time together would be limited. I thought we would be able to enjoy each other more since we both got a "break." But that wasn't true. I spent the whole school year and summer yelling at her. all. day. every. day. We couldn't even enjoy an outing that was suppose to be fun because she just couldn't listen. She just couldn't focus. She just couldn't control herself even though she so badly wanted to.

I decided to make an appointment with a therapist. We did behavioral therapy for awhile. I was to do a behavior chart. I was to only tell her to do one thing at a time. Instead of telling her to clean her room I was to tell her to clean her barbies. Then when she was done with her barbies I was to tell her to clean up her books but we never made it to cleaning up her books. So we made an appointment with another psychiatrist. One our behavioral therapist who I really like recommended.

When we finally went in for our appointment I told him our story and he told me this...

What we want with the medicine is two things. Number one. No side effects. The minute you see a side effect you don't like stop the medicine. And number two. For it to work.

So that's the whole find a medicine with no side effects, that works and yet still lets Kayla be Kayla. Now I get it. Now I haven't seen a lot of doctors regarding medicine and I know some may disagree with what our doctor said but it worked for us. And luckily the first medicine he prescribed worked for her. She is focused. She is determined. She can now fully listen to what is said to her. She still loves to color and cut and paste. But she eats now. She isn't emotional. And her teacher sent me this email which lets me know I did the right thing.

We are in a happy place. And that's something a couple months ago I thought we would never be at.

**I'm NOT suggesting for every child with adhd to be on medicine. I'm just putting it out there what we went through and what works for us so that maybe it might help someone else. I would appreciate it if you do not judge what we have decided to do. We love our daughter and truly believe we have made the right decision for her. Please do not tell me to just change her diet or that she's just being a kid. We have seen a few different doctors, therapists and psychologists and have made this decision after a lot of research and information. Thank you. And if you are considering medicine as a form of treatment please know there are many different ones at there. They may not all work for your child but if you find the right doctor they will be there every step of the way, guiding you and taking your phone calls every day until you find what works. 

Saturday, September 7, 2013

First grade.

This past Tuesday Kayla went back to school. I can't believe how fast kindergarten went and now here we are in first grade. Her kindergarten teacher use to be a first grade teacher and this year she moved back to first grade. So Kayla has the same teacher and friends in her class. She wasn't nervous. She was excited.

This year is a lot different than last. We know what to expect. We've gone the whole day apart. I know she'll find her way to her classroom with no problem. It was easy to drop her off. But even though we've done this before, each day when I drop her off she still turns around and gives me that sweet, shy smile and waves goodbye.

She wanted to bring her teacher flowers. She carefully picked them out at the store, making sure none of the flowers were dying, that they were all blooming and big and pretty. Then she tucked in a note that said, "I love you. Love Kayla."

I hope this year is as good to her as last year was.

And because comparisons are always fun (or a little sad because you see how much they've grown.)

Monday, September 2, 2013

a happy place

It's the last day of summer vacation and I made it. There were days that I didn't think I would but I did. Having a child with adhd is hard at times. I'm not an expert at all as I am only two years in. But I have learned a lot, especially this summer.

When I started this journey two years ago I felt we would never be where we are now. A few wrong medicines here. A few doctors who just didn't care or had too many patients on their hands. A year of us "dealing" with it on our own. A year of yelling and fighting and pulling my hair out wondering what I was doing wrong. Wondering why she just didn't get it. But that's the crazy thing...she just couldn't get it because in her words her brain wouldn't let her. And after we had a heart to heart talk about her behavior she said these words to me, "Mommy. I just want my good brain back." That was the moment I knew we couldn't do this alone anymore. I had to face the facts. We needed help and that didn't make me a failure as a mother.

So fast forward a few months of behavioral therapy with the right therapist and a few doctor appointments later we are here. In a happy place. She can think clearly. She can listen fully to what is said to her. She can think about consequences. She isn't impulsive anymore. But yet she is still her. She is still the sweet, happy girl I know. The one who loves her sisters and doesn't want to fight with them. The one who loves art and playing outside. The girl who loves dressing up and wearing accessories. We aren't spending our days arguing, yelling or sending her to her room a million times anymore. We have become close again. 

There have been plenty of bumps along the way and we still have plenty of bumps and curves and possibly even a few u-turns down our road I'm sure. But for now I am happy. My girl is happy. And that's all I could ever really ask for.

Friday, June 14, 2013

first and last

Well, my first baby did it. Kayla finished her first year of school. I'm so proud.
She's come so far, learned so much.

She can write in sentences. She can count by 5's and 10's.
She can add and subtract. She can read! That last one amazes me the most.

She lost her two bottom baby teeth. Those holes were cute,
and now they are filled with 2 big adult teeth. 

She got glasses.

And she went from wearing a size 5 slim to a size 7 slim!
Every time I bought her new jeans I would have to buy her more.

Now onto the fun part...
the pictures from the first day of the last.

 a little blurry but oh well.

I can't believe that's it. That it's over.
I now have a first grader.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

so very proud

The past 4 years Anthony has been going to school Tuesday and Thursday nights from 6pm to 9pm to get his journeyman's card. And he is finally done!! I'm not sure who is more or him. I think it's me. Monday night was his graduation. It was at a hotel in Richmond, The Omni. So we kinda had a date. We didn't have the girls but we were surrounded by other people at our table. But I'll take what I can get. Especially since we haven't been on a date since Kinsley was born and this is our third date in.....five years. I'm so proud of that man of mine.

There's another person in our family that I'm oh so proud of. This girl right here.

Her last day of kindergarten is tomorrow! What??? I can't believe in a little over 24 hours I will have a first grader.

I'm ready for her to be home for the summer, because even though she will drive me crazy I feel extremely guilty doing all these summer things with Kyleigh and Kinsley while she's at school.

ps. don't give your 19 month old (ahhh, how the heck is she 19 months already!?!?) a green popsicle  she'll turn into a little leprechaun. 

Friday, June 7, 2013

mcdonalds for breakfast, a brownie for snack.

This morning when my alarm went off at 7:15 am I hit dismiss instead of snooze. I've been doing that a lot the past 2 weeks. I rolled over and went back to sleep. When I woke up I felt like I had been asleep forever. It was only 7:37. I laid in bed, checked facebook and instagram. I waited until 8:10 before I even moved. That's when Kayla finally woke up. It was 8:25 when she asked what was for breakfast...and that's when I realized the only thing we have for breakfast that she will eat is pancakes and not the frozen kind either. And I don't have enough time to make them. So I tell her to hurry and get shoes and socks I'm getting her McDonald's. I throw a brownie in her book bag for snack. Yeah, you read that right...a brownie. And I realize we didn't do last night's homework because I haven't been checking her folder. I grab her clipboard and a pencil and we run out the the pouring rain.

For the record this whole school year she hasn't missed a day. (Well, one when she got a tooth pulled but that was it!) We haven't missed the bus...not even once. And today, even though I dropped her off at school, we could've made the bus but she wouldn't have had time to eat. I thought eating was more important than catching the bus.

I'm so ready for next Friday when school will be out. Ready for the late nights, the sleeping-in, the not having to wake Kyleigh and Kinsley up Monday through Friday. (Can you believe even after 9 months of school I still have to wake them up every. single. day??) I'm done with checking folders and making healthy snacks. I'm ready for the pool and changing outfits 3 times a day. Not being on a schedule....and then 2 weeks after all of that I'll be ready for school to start again. The cycle never ends...

Now onto some photos from our life lately.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Kayla's in a commercial!! (and life lately)

A couple of months ago Kayla did a taping for a commercial. It's a short little commercial to thank police officers for keeping our schools safe. It will air soon on a local channel here in Richmond, VA. But I'm so excited, and so is Kayla. I mean, how many kids can say they are on tv??

(WUPV-CW Richmond)

We haven't been up to much lately. Just hanging out, seeing friends here and there, attending one of my friends wedding. We've been staying home mostly. I kinda feel like I'm at a stand still. Just waiting for Kayla to finish her first year of school in a couple of weeks. How that is even possible is beyond me. I'm going to have a first grader! 

You know how when you have a baby people tell you time goes by so fast? Well, when they go to school it goes by even faster.

Here are some pics of our life lately. Some big camera ones but mostly phone ones. Hope you all have a great week and hopefully I'll be back with something more interesting to say soon.

Love this photo of Kinsley on the trampoline. It was taken on my phone but it's getting printed, big.

We had some visitors!

And this one is very into bugs lately. And mama doesn't like it but I'm trying to.

I'm hoping the caterpillar lasts in his cocoon, she is super excited about him changing into a butterfly.

And one last one.


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