Showing posts with label Clef Lip. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Clef Lip. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Let's Be Honest.

This blog is suppose to be about my life, my family's life and everything inbetween right? I started writing this to "document" our life and my girls growing up. I had every intention on being honest, on telling every little detail. And when it comes to my girls I do. But when it comes to myself and my fears and hopes and dreams I haven't. I realized people read my blog; family members, friends and maybe even people I am not close with read it. So, I decided to share only what I wanted. Only what would make me look like a great mom and a perfect wife. I took one step forward awhile ago when I wrote about an abusive relationship I had been in, but took two steps (and maybe even more) when I started writing about this pregnancy because I left out one major detail.

What's that detail? I have clef lip. Yes. There I said it. In pictures you can't tell, and even some say in real life you can't, although I think they are lying. I have kept this a "secret" from the blog world because without me saying anything you would never know. Although everyone in my "real" world knows. So, what am I so afraid of? Strangers knowing? Seems kinda funny now...

So, now that I have gotten that out of the way. Here comes the reason I am writing this post. When I got pregnant with Kayla it was a huge fear of mine that she would have it. I worried, and I prayed to God that if he loved me, if he existed not to let her have it. Because I know what comes with it: teasing. Kids are cruel enough these days without having something "wrong" with you. Luckily, at 20 weeks pregnant, at the big ultrasound, I found out she didn't. I was relieved and happy. And I could finally enjoy my pregnancy. I swore I was done having children. I was blessed with a beautiful babygirl who was perfect. I couldn't get that lucky twice.

Then, I got pregnant with Kyleigh. I wished and prayed even harder to God. But I never brought it up with anyone. Fear of jinxing it. How could I have two kids without clef lip? I just wasn't that lucky. But I told God I couldn't handle it. I told Him if He really knew me He wouldn't let this baby have it either. He would already know I just could. not. handle. it. I couldn't handle the remarks strangers would make or the stares I would get. I couldn't handle people who use to make fun of me knowing that my baby had it. But then came the big ultrasound at 18 weeks. We went and saw a "specialist" ultrasound technician. He was more than a technician, he was a doctor. Everything was fine. She was perfect, just like Kayla. He walked out of the room and my mom and I looked at each other. At the same time we both said I was one lucky woman. She asked me not to push the envelope again and to be done with having children. And I agreed. I mean, 2 beautiful girls? Why would I push that? Why would I try again?

Well, 10 months after Kyleigh was born I was pregnant. I didn't talk about clef lip. I didn't even say the words. I was so sick I could barely take care of my two girls but I refused to take medicine. I didn't want to do something that would "bring out my clef lip gene." I researched and researched many different sites until I found one that told me when a baby's lip is fully formed and I could do no harm. What was done was done and nothing I could do would change anything. So, after that I took medicine, I allowed myself some caffeine. I allowed myself to bring up the words occasionally asking Anthony what if the baby has it. He said everything would be fine. He said it was no big deal if he/she did, and I told him he was wrong.

It is a big deal to me. Yes, it can be fixed. It's nothing that prevents a child from going on with the rest of their life. But the teasing? The name calling? I would hate to know half of what  my child would go through at school. The surgeries, the dental appointments...the emotional scarring of everything was just too much at times. So, again...I prayed, and prayed and wished the hardest I have ever wished. Because I just know I could not handle it. And if the baby did have it, oh dear God please let it be a boy. I couldn't imagine bringing a girl into this world who had two beautiful, perfect sisters. (And yes, I know I would think that this baby was beautiful and perfect too.) But it's much harder being a girl. Your harder on yourself and so is society, and add having two sisters who didn't have clef lip to that equation? Not great for a girls self esteem.

So, off we went again to the specialist at 17, almost 18 weeks. My stomach in knots. I brought my girls because I knew if something was wrong with this baby I would have to be strong for them. I couldn't lose it infront of them. Our name was called back 20 long minutes after our appointment time. I laid on the table where she prepared to do my ultrasound. There, on the screen was my little baby, our little baby. She measured the head and the arm. She measured the spin and checked the amniotic fluid. She looked at the face, and went away from the face. Then back to the face and then she said she couldn't get a clear look, and she looked again. Then moved onto the feet and hands. She said nothing. Last time she told me everything looked fine after seeing Kyleigh's face. This baby has it. I knew it. I started crying. I just knew this baby had it. Why did I do this? What am I going to do? She asked me if I was ok. I said I was just worried and she said, "everything looks ok as far as I can tell." What does she mean as far as she can tell? She left the room to get Dr. Christmas and I just knew the news I was going to get. He was going to tell me what I didn't want to hear. Regardless of what she said and what I heard and of Anthony reassuring me everything is fine....I knew it.

Dr. Christmas came in. He made small talk and then looked at the pictures. He went through each picture one by one. Saying, "oh this baby is a boy..just kidding," "good size head," "good amount of fluid," then came the one I was waiting for...the face. He looked at me and said, "this baby definitely does not have clef lip." I was so relieved. He pointed and said, "here's the nose, the upper lip, the bottom lip...this baby is perfect."

For the rest of the day, and the rest of the week for that matter I was all smiles. Ear to ear. Not because she was a girl (which was an added perk) but because I had made it to the big ultrasound. The one appointment I anxiously await for so I can enjoy the rest of it and stop worrying. The one appointment that I find out my baby is perfect. I have three perfect, healthy girls and no news is better than that.

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